How to be Happy, Instead of a Garbage Collector

     In our quest to continue building up our marriage I was given a book, "Being Happy! A Handbook to Greater Confidence & Security" by Andrew Matthews.

     It is full of "no-brainer" yet very useful nuggets of how to work towards being a generally happy person.

My favorite nugget so far though is this:

"...most people remember compliments for a few minutes and insults for years. They become garbage collectors, carrying around trash that was thrown at them twenty years ago." 

-Andrew Matthews, "Being Happy! A Handbook to Greater Confidence & Security"

This is so true! And I have been guilty of this in my childhood, in social settings, and sometimes in my marriage. Why do we do this?

"How often do we ignore the compliments that are paid to us yet dwell on unkind words for weeks afterwards?"

With that in mind, let's focus on giving and receiving compliments instead.

"We don't have to be perfect to accept a compliment with a graceful thank you"

Dating When You're Married (And regular date ideas)

     I have decided that dating, when you're married, is all about knowing the town you live in. A lot of the ideas in this list are specific to our town, but I know Whatever youevery town has something similar. Most places even have a website of events, some free some not, in your area.

1. Canoe the River- Our town has a little kayak rental place set up at the river, same at the lake, and for an extra fee they will even pick you up in a shuttle at the end of the river and bring you back to the starting point. We borrowed a raft from the family though, and park a car at both endpoints of the trip.

2. We also spent a date night canoeing on a lake for wildlife viewing. We saw fish jumping everywhere, tons of geese, ducks, loons. It is just peaceful being on the water.

3. Friday First Art Tours- A group of art galleries in town participate in this event. The first friday of every month you can hop from gallery to gallery, looking at art, but also eating all the free food ;-) Some places now have live music I believe.

4. Saturday morning bike rides- There are a lot of bike trails in our town.

5. Go to Real Estate open houses- We haven't done this yet, but it sounds like fun. We have scheduled real estate viewings with a realtor when we were in the market, that was actually a lot of fun.

6. Rock wall climbing- Google it. Most towns have an indoor rock wall somewhere. I've heard of a place in Idaho that is like entire outdoor obstacle course, but indoors: rock walls, planks, ropes, etc....

7. Gun range- Maybe neither one of you are into guns- But this can be fun. We have access to a few outdoor ranges, and one indoor range. Outdoors can be fun for target shooting, if you don't have a mosquito problem like we do.

8. Laser Tag

9. Free live music- We have Music in the Park, or in the gardens, or just go to coffee shops on Friday night. Every coffee shop in our town has live music of some kind on Friday nights.

10. Cheap Movie Theater and dinner or a snack- We don't have a dollar theater, but a local bar is known for it's cheaper showings of mostly current films, and you can order dinner to eat while you watch.

12. Hotel lobby hopping on Saturday mornings- Hunting for free cookies/breakfasts. I don't know, maybe this one isn't moral, but it sounds like fun. ;-) We have never tried this, but whenever I stay at a hotel with free food, I wonder how they know who is really a guest and who walked in off the streets.

13. Zip lining- A youth camp was selling rides on their zip line to raise money for scholarships for their camp. We drove 36 miles and rode the zip line! It was worth it! If you look around, I'll bet there's a boy scout camp or any camp of a kind, with a zip line close to you.

14. Gift card dinners- Going out to eat is okay every now and then too (Can't be adventurous all the time ;-) But I especially love when I have an excuse to go to dinner because I received a gift card. There are websites that sell restaurant gift cards for half price, and our radio station has a 50/50 deal every Friday. Go deal hunting and have fun!

15. Have a bonfire and make s'mores- Depending on where you live, this may not be possible. Maybe you have an outdoor fire pit, or a propane stove. Any flame will do. Even if you're just staying in to watch a movie- s'mores in a microwave are my favorite because the chocolate actually melts!



One dating snag we have run into in our marriage is both of us not having the same interests. So we rotate weekly whose turn it is to be in charge of planning the date.

Whatever you do, make date night a priority, it will keep your marriage alive!

Just a thought.

Thoughts on Marriage

     Have you ever been to a bridal shower where the games were focused on giving "advice" for marital bliss? I'm always embarrassed that I have been married for 11 years and never have any advice I feel is original or worthy of passing on---until now.

     The only advice I remember receiving at my bridal shower is "don't go to bed angry" and always be the first one to say sorry... I think I like the second one, though it's hard to do.

But the first piece of advice is so cliche, and just wrong...
                                          
I don't know about you, but the later into the night it gets, the more fierce I become in a fight. Many a verbal wound would have been prevented if we had just gone to bed angry and resolved the issue with more sleep.


     Recently, when we were having big struggles in our marriage again. (It turns out that you are never done having challenges in marriage ;-) We started meeting with our religious leader (bishop, LDS church) as well as attending a class on marriage put on by our church. This has really helped us out with some of our specific issues.

     Maybe most marriage related issues can be explained all day long, but never fully understood until  personally experienced. But maybe some of what I am going through and learning will reach just that one person who can understand it and apply it to their future:



So,
#1: do not discuss serious things after 9pm. I have always thought this might be a good idea, but now our Bishop (neutral 3rd party if you will) has given his stamp of approval, so we both can be on board with it and it has saved us so many times! Sometimes we even play a game together because it's after 9 and we don't want to bring up any hot topics.

#2: No contention, period. Contention is not of God, so you know where it comes from. this helped me to simply remember: don't do it.

 This leads into the last tip:

#3: Before you get angry, have a sort of mantra to say to yourself. I learned this from the marriage class. It didn't sink in until they gave an example mantra: "If I get angry, I will pay a price I don't want". If you've ever had a problem with anger like I was having (I was also dealing with
severe postpartum depression, but I'm not going to say I didn't sometimes have anger flare ups from time to time before that), then you might relate to the cycle of anger followed by good deeds because of your remorse. The idea of this alone stopped a lot of my anger and helped me to pause first.
(For a herbal remedy to try for anger or depression, see this post: Acupuncture )

Be good to your spouse or significant other, and always find ways or resources to help you work for a better relationship.

Just A Thought

(Making Date Night a priority is also vital to your marriage. See the post about dating ideas :)